The End
by PyramidCalyx
Summary: Creatively venting my unhappiness with episode 19. Set after episode 20, assuming that will be the finale of all things Lewis. As always, Bensidy, and more importantly, pro-Cassidy. A (final?) meeting between Olivia and Brian. One-shot.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Dedicated to Sindy and Erica, who are the ultimate write-a-fic peer pressurers (love you guys!).

**The End**

"Everything ok?"

She sighed, closing her eyes. "Yeah, it's fine."

"Don't wanna talk about it?"

This earned him a chuckle. "You know me so well," she replied with a half-smile.

She leaned against him, her head resting on his shoulder. She almost expected him to press a gentle kiss into her hair. He didn't, and she suddenly yearned for the easy-going closeness that had always been a part of them. She curled her body towards his, and snuck a hand onto his knee, slowly inching upward.

"Don't."

She paused briefly, before nuzzling against his shoulder and continuing to massage his inner thigh. "Bri," she breathed. "I need you tonight."

In her mind she had already predicted the night's events. She closed her eyes and let her imagination wander, picking up pieces of memories of their two years spent as a couple. She knew that she was his ultimate weakness; he craved her touch. The handful of weeks spent apart, the stress of packing the small apartment, culminating in her final encounter with William Lewis, had left her with a nagging desire to feel close to him. After all, he had been her support during her previous ordeals with the obsessed psychopath. It had made perfect sense to call him tonight, seeking his presence, his comfort, as she dealt with the final dance between herself and Lewis.

While she had instigated and coordinated their breakup, that didn't mean she was physically ready to let go of him. She knew him; he would be by her side at the drop of a hat, he would accept her avoidance of discussing what was really bothering her tonight, and he would passionately make love to her for hours until she forgot all of her current troubles. This was the Brian Cassidy she knew; her personal hero when she needed to get out of her own head and simply succumb to physical pleasure.

"No, Liv," he broke her reverie, his voice soft, yet firm. "That's not why I'm here."

He shrugged out of her arms and stood, running a hand over his face. She looked up at him, speechless. He went to the window, his back to her. After a moment he sighed, his shoulders slumped as if he was acquiescing to an internal debate. He turned to face her, leaning back against the window sill.

"Is that why you called?" he asked. "You wanted to fuck?"

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Brian, I had a rough day and I know we've both been under a lot of stress. I just wanted to be with you tonight."

"Uh huh. Always calling the shots," he narrowed his eyes, his voice quiet. "You direct, and I follow, right?"

She sighed. "Really, Brian? You're going to turn this into an argument?"

"Why is that so surprising? Arguing is what we're good at."

"Aside from sex," she muttered under her breath.

He laughed, making her pause. The sound was cold as ice; his pale eyes, usually warm and welcoming, had hardened. She tore her gaze away from him, unable to look him in the eyes.

"Right. Sex," he shook his head. "You know, for someone so desperate to have a family and grow old with somebody, you sure don't act like it."

She whipped her head around to glare at him. "What the hell does that mean?"

He bit his bottom lip, staring back at her. A chill went through her body as she witnessed the brief passage of heartache and disillusionment cross his handsome features. His face no longer held the aiming-to-please expression that he normally had with her. There was no more worry about saying the wrong thing, no more walking on eggshells in her presence.

"What, you actually want to know what I think, Liv?"

"Jesus, Brian. For once just spit it out" she demanded, frustration bubbling to the surface as she fought to maintain her usual cool composure.

He leaned against the window, nodding. "I'm surprised you'd grant me such freedom, Olivia. You being the one who is always in control of our conversations."

She opened her mouth to speak but he put one hand up, silencing her. She stood from the couch, standing on the opposite side of the room, her arms crossed. The space between them served as no man's land; the invisible battle line drawn across the apartment floor.

"You know why I put up with Tucker's shit at IA?" he asked quietly.

Olivia frowned, not expecting the shift in topic. "What does that have to do with-"

"Because I wanted you to be proud to call me your boyfriend," he interrupted, catching her by surprise. "You're all about appearances, and I knew you wouldn't stick around with some idiot busted down to uni."

"You really think I care about your rank?" she asked incredulously.

"Yeah. I do," he replied, squinting back at her. "Bad enough that I had a terrible reputation. I figured you would respect me if I fought to get my shield back, if I could prove to you that I was worth being with. Otherwise, I'd have waited it out 'til I could get my pension. To hell with the NYPD."

"Brian, I never cared about where you worked, or what your rank was," she stressed. "That's not what made us not work."

He chuckled quietly, running a hand through his short hair. "Yeah, it's part of it. Do you really think if Munch and Amaro hadn't found you at my apartment that we'd have made our relationship public?"

"What are you talking about? It wasn't a state secret, Brian," she rolled her eyes. "Why is it a big deal that I prefer to keep my private life private?"

"Your private life. Yours. See that's the thing, Olivia, it was always yours. Not mine, and definitely not ours."

"You're upset because of semantics?" she scoffed. "Figures this argument would be about something so trivial."

Brian stiffened, his jaw clenching. He stepped away from the window and began to pace. Olivia sat on the arm of the couch, suddenly lost in the labyrinth of their convoluted argument. She could tell he was trying to collect his thoughts; he rubbed his chin, the unconscious habit a giveaway for the internal processes going on in his head. A pang of sadness struck Olivia when she recognized the idiosyncrasy; the simplest of movements, something that anyone else would disregard. She swallowed the lump that was forming in her throat.

"I guess I'm just as naïve as I was fifteen years ago, huh?"

Olivia remained silent. Her gut reaction would be to object, to crowd him with empty explanations about how that wasn't true. But in that moment, she recognized his need to vent. Perhaps a need that had never been met in their relationship.

"It never mattered what I thought, or wanted, did it? You wanted to try this again," he waved his hand between them. "You told me you had changed. You had been burned, but you were willing to take a chance with me. Except all we really had together were a few good times and a lot of sex."

Olivia pursed her lips and looked away from him. She was used to confrontation; she got it daily from suspects and colleagues alike. However, she wasn't used to being on the receiving end of Brian's wrath. She realized that the most unsettling thing about this situation was that the statements being flung at her were unburying the truth she had carefully hidden.

"Hooking up, keeping everything on the down-low. That's your style, right, Liv? The only time I ever felt connected to you was when we fucked. And don't try to tell me any different. You'll share your body and your bed, but you'll never open up to me about anything else going on in your life."

"I told you, I didn't want the images of what Lewis did to me-" she started.

"Bullshit!" he exclaimed, stopping and pointing at her. "You never trusted me. You never wanted to trust me. Just like before. I was the incompetent fool that would do anything for you."

"Brian-"

"The rare time you bring up something personal, you announce it as if you already know my answer," he continued. "Pregnancy test, kids, the future. You never let me think or explain my side. As soon as I try, you shut down and disappear into your own head."

"I asked you how your felt about all of those things, Brian," she interjected. "You never answered."

"That's because you never gave me a chance!"

Olivia felt her patience wearing thin. She didn't want to repeat this conversation because she had made up her mind about where each of them stood. She wanted to get to that place in her life where she could settle down, have her own family. This took planning and serious attention to detail. However, Brian lived day-by-day, never voicing any concern or thoughts about the future.

"You never gave me a chance," he repeated. "You made assumption after assumption. And not just about us, but about me. You know, you never let me counter any of your preconceived notions about me. That happy ending you heard when I was UC at the 12th? Yeah, she was undercover, too. It was set up by IA. Nothing happened."

The admission made Olivia's head spin. She remembered the disgust she had felt listening to the interaction; the overwhelming feeling of being cheated on. He had wanted to talk to her, yet she remembered quickly silencing him by walking away, by pushing the issue aside. She took a deep breath, briefly closing her eyes.

"Brian, that's not why we broke up."

"I know, but I bet you were keeping score of all the things I did that made me a shitty boyfriend," he countered angrily. "Do you really think that our relationship only worked because we were both going through low-points in our lives and needed each other for comfort? Is that all that I meant to you? Why you stayed this long? Or is that your excuse for why were even together in the first place?"

"Hey, that's not fair," Olivia stood, taking a step toward him. "I didn't hear you object when I said those things. You went along with everything I said that night, and I'm sorry if I assumed your silence was your way of saying you agreed with me."

Brian snorted. "Like you'd give me chance to speak?"

"Where is this coming from, Brian?" she asked, exasperated by the endless argument loop they were caught in. "I have always listened to you. When you were accused of rape, I stood by you and believed you. I always respected your opinion."

He gazed at her with an unreadable expression, then shook his head. "Don't lie to me."

"Brian, I have never lied to-"

"Stop kidding yourself, Olivia. You know damn well that you've been dishonest, just saving face. Saying you believed in me, in us, is a lie. It's not like you tried to find ways to work on our relationship after we both admitted we were having problems. You were gonna give up regardless of how I felt," his voice faltered. "You know, all I ever wanted was for you to love me the way I love you."

He turned back to the window, resting his head against the cold glass. Olivia felt a tear slip down her face and she wiped it away. She had never heard him speak so freely, so honestly. Her heart pounded in her chest as her mind was overrun by a kaleidoscope of memories. How she avoided giving anybody details about her Christmas vacation to the Bahamas. How he was always apologetic if he couldn't make a date, worried that she was angry with him. How she refused to talk to him about what happened with Lewis, despite the tenderness and patience that he extended to her. How she suggested they live together only so she wouldn't have to return to her old apartment. How she belittled his concerns for his colleague at the courthouse, convincing him to stay out of other people's battles with the NYPD. How she never defended him to others who were surprised that they were even a couple. How she never praised him.

"Brian," she said softly. "I wasn't lying when I told you I love you."

He moved his head so he could see her in his peripheral vision. "Yeah. Right," he muttered.

"Brian, I'm sorry we grew apart. We want different things, and I don't think we should settle for each other when it's quite possible there is someone else out there who would make you and I happier."

He turned, his eyes glassy. "I wanted to marry you, Olivia."

She drew in a sharp breath. Looking at his desolation, his utter defeat, she had to break eye contact. Her mind swam with confusion and uncertainty. The power imbalance was suddenly painfully obvious. She had always called the shots, assuming he would go along with everything she chose. Except when it came to the future; her mind had firmly believed that he wouldn't share her desire to have a family. She never even thought of the two of them as a family; he was just Brian.

"Here," he reached into the deep pocket of his jeans and pulled out a velvet box. "You can keep it. Pawn it. Whatever."

He passed her the box and wiped his eyes as he walked to the coatrack. Olivia stood in stunned silence, her hands trembling. She heard him zipping his coat, putting further distance between them. She opened the box, the brilliant shine of diamonds precipitating an onslaught of emotions and tears.

"I'll finish packing my things when you're at work. Shouldn't take me long. You can keep the furniture and kitchen stuff. I'll leave my key with the landlord."

Olivia could barely hear him. Her eyes were trained on the beautiful ring, her mind attempting to comprehend the promise that it held. The promise that would never come to fruition. She spun to face him.

"Brian," she pleaded, her face wet with tears. "I-"

"It's okay, Liv," he shrugged. "We don't want the same things, right?"

She opened her mouth to object, but he disappeared out the door without giving her a backward glance. A sob erupted from her body, and she clutched the jewellery box tightly as her other hand covered her mouth. Her mind was flooded by all of the truths spoken aloud that night. All of the memories, the happiness she had shared with him. The unyielding support he always gave her. The love he admitted so sweetly, so nervously. With an air of nostalgia she had told him she would always love him. She knew now that her words were hollow; an attempt to quickly wrap up their conversation, their relationship.

But, as she sank onto the couch, still gripping the velvet box, she felt the full weight of her mistake. She sincerely loved him. The only thing that became clear to her in that moment was that she didn't want to lose him. Her greatest fear was that she already had.


	2. The Beginning

A/N: the first chapter was excellent for venting purposes, and after breaking Bensidy hearts, I've added another chapter to cheer us up. Thank you for all the reviews & tweets! therealfionaml

**The Beginning**

"… I found a couple places. Hopefully I'll be out of your hair soon … No, I just don't want to impose, you know? You and Laurie have been great, thanks, man."

The door shut behind him as Brian juggled flattened cardboard boxes and his cellphone. He took a quick scan of the apartment, breathing a sigh of relief when it appeared empty. He had decided to take the day off, preferring to pack his belongings while his ex-girlfriend was at work. The less awkwardness and tension, the better.

"… sure, I'll see you later. Thanks again for putting me up."

He pocketed his phone and hung his coat on the rack, the familiarity of the action overwhelming him with a deep sense of hurt. Squeezing his eyes tight, he tried to ignore the swell of heartache as he stood in his former home. He remembered the delight on Olivia's face when she found the apartment; it was perfect for the two of them. She was even excited to show off their new home to her friends and colleagues, much to Brian's surprise. In hindsight, he reasoned that she wanted to convince them she was finally okay after her attack. Her motives were less about proving to them that she was happy with him and their life together, and more about putting on a façade of psychological harmony. He knew, more than anyone else, that she struggled with her inner demons on a daily basis. She refused to tell him any details, but he saw it in her eyes, heard her whimpering in her sleep.

Brian ran a hand over his cropped hair and took a deep breath. Today's task was proof that he had lost her, he had failed. More than anything, he wanted to be given a chance to right their relationship, to show her the depth of his love. He wanted her to trust him, talk to him, let him carry some of the burden that weighed heavily upon her shoulders. The anger he felt after re-examining their two years together had now dissipated into a melancholic longing for the woman he had wanted to marry. Maybe he had waited too long to confess his love; would admitting those feelings earlier have changed the present? Shown her that he was serious about their relationship, despite what she may have believed? With a defeated sigh, he shook the debate from his mind and carried his boxes into the bedroom.

"I tried it on. The ring."

Brian jumped as he entered the room, cursing in surprise when he heard her soft voice. His eyes trailed over her pale face, her eyes puffy, hair a mess. She sat, huddled beneath a thick layer of blankets, her back against the headboard of their bed. He recognized his black hoody that she wore, her body drowning in the excess fabric. He didn't know what to say.

"It's a perfect fit," she continued, fiddling with the velvet jewellery box.

"I did my research, Liv," he said quietly. "I wanted to get it right."

She nodded, wiping an escaped tear from her cheek. They both were silent; neither one knew how to interact with the other. He had left four weeks ago, the day after their sidewalk conversation had led to a conscious uncoupling. He hadn't wanted to leave, but he did so to please her, to make it easier for her. She then called him after a rough week at work, out of the blue, seeking his comfort. He had hoped she wanted to work things out; he kicked himself for being so naïve. Their argument that night gave him an opportunity to vent, to finally tell her how he felt about their relationship. He didn't intend to leave her with the engagement ring; but he didn't want to hold onto the reminder of what might have been.

"Why aren't you at work?"

Olivia frowned, pulling her knees up to her chest. "I, uh, took some time off," she replied. "To think."

Brian leaned against the doorframe, his heart rate speeding up, his chest constricted by a combination of anxiety and hope. He wanted to reach out to her, hold her, keep her close to him. But he resisted; he didn't want her to retreat back inside her head, back into hiding. He had come to understand that sometimes distance was the key with Olivia.

"Did you find another apartment?" she asked, her eyes briefly flicking to his face.

"No, not yet. My buddy Groves, from the courthouse, is letting me crash for a while until I find a place."

He watched the flurry of emotions that she was attempting to control. He opened his mouth to speak, but as he did, her resolve crumbled further.

"Brian," she whispered. "I'm so sorry. I should have fought for you. For us."

He bit his lip and let the cardboard boxes fall to the floor, his plan of giving her space quickly being amended. He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her into his arms, her body instantly melting against his. She offered no resistance, no attempt to conceal the pent up emotions that had plagued her mind and heart since their relationship began to falter. She sobbed against his chest as he gently stroked her hair, placing sweet kisses on the top of her head.

"It's okay, Liv. You just need some more time."

She struggled against him, shaking her head. "No, I – I was wrong," she declared, pulling back to look in his eyes. "I'm sorry I gave up so easily."

Brian nodded, cupping her cheek with one hand. "Liv, are you sure?"

She furrowed her brow. "Don't you want us to work?"

"Of course I do," he gave her a half-smile. "I just want you to be honest with me. I love you, Olivia. But, I need to know that I'm what you really want."

Olivia closed her eyes, willing her body to relax. She had spent the past eight days at home, something she had never done. A new captain had been transferred to the 16th precinct, and had been concerned enough for the sergeant to sign off on personal leave, despite the unit's staffing shortage. Olivia felt numb after the last time she saw Brian, when she was confronted by his feelings, his needs. No previous boyfriend had ever challenged her. She was always in control, hence her spotty history of brief relationships that failed to make the cut.

During the self-inflicted downtime, she mulled over every detail of her life. She told Brian that she wanted a family, children, but she still spent more hours at work than at home. She convinced herself that he didn't want those things; she wanted to maintain order over her personal life, and it was easier to cut him loose than risk having to compromise on her own wishes. She had never been good at relationships, and hadn't been looking for one, but when she first saw Brian again, after more than a decade, she felt inexplicably drawn to him. She knew he had always harbored feelings for her, and sensing the spark between them when they reunited, she finally admitted that she had feelings for him, too.

"I'm ready to trust you," she confessed. "I'm sorry I never let you in, I – I wasn't comfortable letting you, or anybody, in. But, I've never loved anyone, and I know I love you, Bri."

She took his hand in hers, lifting it to her lips to kiss his knuckles. "I thought about what you said the other night," she continued. "And you were right. About everything. I never gave you a chance, or let you have a voice in our relationship. I just took over."

"Born to be in command, huh," Brian murmured with a teasing smirk.

Olivia gave him a small smile. "I knew we were out of sync, like you said. I didn't want to face the problems we were having because I didn't want to admit that it was my fault."

"Hey, it wasn't just you, Liv," he countered, gently tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "We both made mistakes. I'm willing to work on things, make us better. I know I can be a bit too laid back for your liking, but I do want a future with you."

Fresh tears filled Olivia's eyes. She squeezed his hand in hers and reached up to touch the coarse stubble that covered his chin. She could see the hope in his eyes, feel the love radiating from him. She leaned forward, softly kissing his lips. When they pulled apart, she cupped his face in her hands.

"I love you, Brian," she said firmly. "I want to share my life with you. I want to work on us, together, because I can't live without you."

A small sob escaped her throat, and her hands trembled against his face. He smiled, kissing her forehead before he hugged her close, pulling her onto his lap. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face against his neck.

"I miss you, Bri," she murmured.

He kissed her hair. "I miss you, too, sunshine."

"You'll come home?"

Brian grinned. "Yeah. I'm pretty sure Groves won't miss me."

Olivia chuckled. "I think I'm the only one who can put up with your snoring."

"As long as you're okay putting up with it for the rest of your life."

She let his words sink in before handing him the jewellery box. He looked down at it in his hands, running his fingertips over the plush velvet. He met her eyes, catching the love that shone from them.

"You're sure?"

Olivia smirked, moving off of his lap. She bit her bottom lip, using her eyes to hint that he should change position. He caught her drift and chuckled, getting up and kneeling beside the bed. He took a deep breath.

"Olivia, I don't really know how to put into words how important you are to me. I love you, and I want to be the one to give you the family you've always wanted. Will you grow old with me?"


End file.
